accomplished

I feel so absolutely accomplished tonight. I'm focused and am getting all that needs to be done done in excellent fashion. Its not the shit I normally hand in. The work actually has some effort put into it. Its a terrific feeling. A couple of the projects I had to restart from scratch cause someone saved their stuff over it. Oh well, the new stuff is better.

so what do you do when theres no where else to run?

yeah i'm fine

especially when you define fine as:::


frustrated
insecure
neuorotic
emotional

fuck it all

i guess i should post more and on topics that interest me. except no one reads any of the stuff i post and most times i feel alone and have no one to talk to . oh well wo is me

Its been a while

It has truely been ages since I last posted in this blog. Anyways whats new, lots of school, long hours, trying to figure out what I'm doing as soon as classes are done. Do I want to get a fine arts degree, do I want to finish the education degree, do i want to go straight into theatre, back to an office job, start my own business...the list goes on and on. Theres so many options and reasons why I can and couldn't, why i should and shouldn't do any of them. I think the main priority right now is to get to the end of the semester, then through the last semester to graduate from the program.

I'm stressing out cause of all the things that I have going on. I have no time and what little time i do have i tend to just sit bymyself at the house. At least I'm designing again, I'll post picks later. I dressed up for kinky as a stylized version of Selen from Underworld. It was pretty awesome. Kinky was excellent, the Warehouse afterwards was good also.

I should probably post more in my journals considering most ofthe time I have no one to talk to and writting stuff down is really good for keeping alow stress life.

well its finally happened.

It seems I update, every month where there is a blue moon or something. Lol , oh well. I'm sure if anyone is actually reading this anyways, nor do I know if anyone is reading any of my other journals. What I do realize is this is probably more a stress relief for me, I try not to be cut copy paste to all journals, except when its important to do so. So I think this will turn into the Diannaish that no one understands, except for a few, it will probably make little to no sense to you. Oh well. Think what you will.

Sitting alone, left to my thoughts.

I hate what I remeber and what I see.

Never happy, but always happy. Satisfied but not.

Alone in a crowd, standing watching, waiting, following, leading.

Never ending cycle.

Thinking, analysing, can be dangerous when left alone to ones thoughts.

Will I always be alone, walking along the paths of the dark forests.

The fires slowly burning lower.

Time slowing down and stoping.

When past and future meet and begin to intertwine.

Strange calls in the night, reality and dreams intermingle and become one.

When does it end?

Where does it start?

Why am I here?

Where am I going?

Are all the questions that I am asking myself

Is there anyone that could help me solve the puzzles that keep building and adding more pieces

What am I to do when everything has built up so high that I am drowning in it all?

Swimming

Barely staying above the surface

Being pulled by the tide that sweeps me away

Into oblivion

Darkness

Deep

Fear

Away from the light

Lost and alone

Needing help

But never asking

For it

Why do I bother, talking, when nothing I say makes any sense. They just end up more meddled then they were before. Whats wrong with black, its the one colour that goes with anything, and is easiest to hide in. Blues and green and reds and violets are nice, but you can't wear too much without looking strange. I'm fine, at least thats what I keep telling myself

weekend learned facts

the bow is colder then the kanaskis

level 2/3 rapids are lame, lets try a 4/5 level next time

kittens are cute

I'll be the crazy cat lady sitting in a rocking chair on my front porch when I'm older

my mother is the one I learned how to plot from

What I did last year on this day

Time:
11:12 am.
Mood:
bored.
hmmm...i'm posting this while at work cause we have another break and it takes four hours for the ambidiag to do its thing on the PDT's...the database is all set up and is the easiest thing to use. inventory is donethe week in review...Monday...house cleaning, cleared out the green basement room, found a bunch of spiders...i'm no longer going into the basement as i dislike spiders greatly...if the they need it cleaned, they can clecan it themselves...couldn't go out that evening cause i had to be at work by 8...up at 6...i needed a little bit of sleep so that i could functionTuesday...work...meeting for the fashion show at Tantra...then to the Rat & Parrot...peoples inpatiences is amazingWednesday...work...the meeting was so freaking long winded...our corner of the room was where everyone fell asleep for fell out of their chairs...NOTE: 12 CLOSING STATMENTS IS TOO MUCH...stayed in for a while after i got home... droped kim off at an appointment..picked her up...had a nap...met people at BP's for wingsThursady...work...not much to do at the moment. a lot of sitting and we get to watch movies later on the PDT's...yippie...not sure what i'm doing this evening yettheres a lot more stuff i could put up here but i'm not cause its not stuff i'll talk about online, or put in a djPosts for friends who don't delete stuff from their e-mails so i have to post these here for them...cause they actually check my DJ:*Jack have fun in Aussie villy...don't get married this vacation...you don't need another divorce just yet wait till you 25 for the next one...*Kendra good luck with your meet...you'll do fine and the best of luck to you...ICE will be your best friend after*Amy did you fall down a hole or something cause no one knows where you are and they are looking for you...especially Chris and Danny boy...that is all...till next time...which will be...i don't know when...i'm hungry

My Thoughts While Waiting For My Ride

I was walking. Walking away from the hurt and the pain. Away from the pretenders and fakes. The ones that broke my trust, time and time again. I was walking away to avoid being hurt again. No matter how I tried to understand, I couldn't figure out how they received pleasure out of the pain they inflicteed on me in school. Everywhere I went I usually ended up being the new kid. The one who had to find a place amont the people who had long ago established invisible bounderies within the cliches. One wrong move and you'd get a oneway ticket to outcast ville. Many schools in many towns later I'm better able to deal with the situations. Being able to see the invisible line that divide people into their separate groups.

Divided we all fall down

:::

What I just discribed was one small piece of the puzzle. Society is divided, we are arguing and fighting aomng ourselves. Blatently ignorant of the pain and suffering that many are induring. "Western Society" is probably the most ignorant of the worlds problems, let alone our own. Western society does't want to see and or acknowledge the proverty that is present in our own cities (why would we that would mean we'd have to start taking action and find a solution to the problems. ) Society make me sick. Guess thats why I have a hard time getting along with most people. Their idiosyncricies annoy the hell out of me. We are mean to each other and seem to take pleasure in creating hells for others, that was demonstrated with some peoples lack of respect for people who were in ear shot of said persons comments.

99% of the population are assholes 1% are nice and treat people with respect
Stupid fracking odds

Everyone is guilty, There is no Innocence.


Humans are parasites- among ourselves and to the planet

any able to help me build a uber kick ass webpage?

realizations

:::START TIME 9:41 am:::

Morning all, I'm at work multi tasking as usual. But then again thats good since it allows me to slow my work speed like they asked. Too efficent *rolls eyes* I think they are just underestimating me, but once again thats nothing new. The past weekend was fantastic, things with people are mending, karma is balancing out.

The realizations that are upcoming is, I no real direction for the future. I'm taking a course that I love , but I don't know if it will actually be what I continue to do. And to finish off the scholarship should i finish my education degree or go and get a business degree. What I do know is that I want to be able to work with fabrics, I want to create my own stuff. I want to design, and I want to be able to sell my work. But is the program I'm taking currently going to help me do that. Right now the program is fun, entertaining and teaching me stuff I was interested in, helping me develope a better understanding of the underlining themes and knowledge of design elements.
But is taking it cause I'm having fun a goodreason for taking it?

Another realization is I'm always alone. The room could be filled with a bunch of people I know and consider friends, but I always feel alone. Guess thats why I usually end up closing myself off and stay guarded around people. I'm just anti social oh well, not much I can do to change that, have tried and failed on numerous occassions.

One more thing before I go. How is it my fault that my sister tried to kill herself? How is it that it is always my fault that she'll hurt herself. I wasn't the one to put the bottle of pills down her throat, I w asn't the one to pull out her eyebrows and eye lashes. I would really love to know where her quack learned these theories and what information she has to support them. In my opinion(i am not a doctor or psyciatrist nor do i claim to be oe or have their learned knowledge from an overly expensive college and or university I AM NOT A DOCTOR) I would think telling someone that it is their fault that X person is doing this to themselves, would be more harmful then good. But thats just my opinion.

I guess that all I have to say for the moment
I don't exept any answers to the questions
I never do
I was venting and its helpful to have a record so that I could go over andreview and analyse and hopefully find answers or perhaps hidden answers to the questions I have asked and created


:::END TIME 10:36 am:::